Yay or Nay? Beauty and the Briefcase (Movie)
Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I turn to a relaxing rom-com to make me feel better and to turn away my mind from the reality of life and into the fairytale of meetcutes and happy endings.
So you can imagine the disappointment when something that normally makes you relax stresses you out and makes you scream at the TV while pulling out your hair!
This movie did that. From beginning to end. So now, I'll take you through my thoughts that I had in the duration of
Opening Scene
Hilary Duff is standing in the streets of New York, looking around. Somehow busy New Yorkers are walking around her while she's standing still looking around at the buildings as if she was in a fairy tale. In the real world she'd be bumped into 10 times just in those 5 seconds. (Just like on Toronto subway stations *cringes internally*)
First word Hilary says is "So many guys in new York, you'd think there'd be one I could date". This movie is so gonna fail the Bechtel test. I can already tell. Also, Hilary seems to have a bullshit checklist of the qualities her guy needs to have. It's filled with items such as "He travels spontaneously to exotic countries". Hun, that's why you're single. She lives with a friend who works in fashion just like her. These loser-ass bitches have a fucking shrine in the flat made up of…. You guys will never guess what…. COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINES GLUED AROUND A TRIBAL MASK TYPE OF THING!!!!
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| I'm pretty sure that some cultural appropriation is happening here |
A Ridiculous Gig
Hilary wants to be a fashion journalist. She's had two conversations with potential clients and the subject of men came up both times! Even at her pitch meeting at fucking Cosmo, they started complaining about how there's no men in their lives and they're all alone and there's no one good out there blah blah. I have a few suggestions for these bitches:1. Sign up for the army, toughen up, learn to fight, serve your country. There's also a large majority of men there, so maybe you'll finally find who you're looking for. Or you'll die on the battlefield, and the world will be rid of your stupidity.
2. Join the convent. No men, no problem. Get thee to a nunnery!
3. Just… vanish. Anywhere that's far away from me.
Oh, and in case you're wondering: Yes, the subject of men and being single came up in that conversation as well.
So now Hilary needs to find employment in the business world. To do so, she lies on her resume (which I'm pretty sure could be a felony if a company decides to run an employment verification #WisdomfromHR) But her dirty lies get her an interview. She arrives for it and a secretary is telling about the job, as one does, and Hilary says verbatim, "As long as it's a businessy job with men in suits". The secretary laughed her ass off thinking that it was a joke. At least no one's mistaking this movie to be anything other than a joke.
Now they're giving all applicants a test to test them on the practical knowledge of the software. Muahahahhaha now Hilary is shitting her pants! But obviously, she still gets hired. Do you even wanna how? She fucking spills water on a power bar, that conveniently happens to be right next to her, and the power on the entire floor goes out. I have some questions. a) Why does she get to be that lucky? The company will waste so much money paying her and then recruiting somebody else once she inevitably gets fired for her incompetence b) The secretary hires her because they don't have enough time to retest her… so a serious company is honestly fucking willing to hire her without properly testing her, cause they just can't fucking wait. This would never happen in real life! From my experience, a company will rather be understaffed for a few weeks than have an incompetent bitty on board.
The Idiot in Business
The girls are celebrating Hilary getting and Hilary's roommate surprisingly explains the concept of investments decently well. I was shocked. And they didn't mention a man in that conversation! I was double shocked. So I guess that means this train wreck of a movie passes the Bechdel test. Even though, Hilary and her friends are fucking disgusting sexists!!! They play go fish, made up of cards with pictures of male body parts on it! I'm not a man, but I am offended!
Hilary arrives at work on her first day and keep making comments about how there's many men there, and makes remarks about fashion and her new boss' shirt etc. I'm surprised no one there thinks that she's a spaz. Her new boss is kinda cute though. I love his organized way of eating lunch. Always the same thing, to maximize efficiency and nutritional value :-p.
Hilary is a loser, so she obviously manages to jam the copier. A cute guy walks in, dressed like a caterer (I'm surprised she didn’t comment on that), and helps her fix it while sticking out his Perky Butt at her.
Hilary's editor wants her to go on a date with Perky Butt. So Hilary the Genius decides to hover around in his office until he asks her for drinks. I was wondering why it didn't come to mind for her to ask him, but then I remembered that she is a disgusting sexist!
Greetings from Jolly Old England!
Hilary spills a drink on a British guy in the bar (because she's a clumsy loser) and he ends up chatting with her and asking her out. Hilary says I love you instead of I'd love to… I have no words for this girl.
During Mr. England's and Hilary's date, he gets the brilliant idea of hopping on a plane to Paris that same night… WHO THE FUCK THAT ON A FIRST DATE. At least she has enough sense to refuse him. 5 minutes after the date with England, Hilary goes on a date with Perky Butt. And she's underwhelmed. So, Hilary gets an idea that instead of writing about the business she will write about Mr.England and how you can find love when you least expect it yada yada yada. Obviously her editor doesn’t go for that vague ass boring as fuck idea. So, Hilary has to rush to the office to grab the note she left on her boss' desk saying that she is quitting her job… Also, Hilary's editor just told her to stop dating Mr. England and focus on businessmen instead. So she obviously decides to pretend that she's actually dating Perky Butt, but fill in the dirty details from the dates with Mr. England. Gee, I can't imagine why this would go wrong?
More Office Shit
Her boss just discovered that she was lying on her resume about the languages she knows, how many words she can type etc. She gets lucky (again) because the boss gives her another chance. But obviously, instead of realizing her absolute uselessness, she blames her incompetence on the job on Mr. England, since he's so wonderful she can only ever think about him… (I'm gonna take a break from watching and go to the bathroom to vomit).
Hilary is a loser, so she obviously manages to jam the copier. A cute guy walks in, dressed like a caterer (I'm surprised she didn’t comment on that), and helps her fix it while sticking out his Perky Butt at her.
Hilary's editor wants her to go on a date with Perky Butt. So Hilary the Genius decides to hover around in his office until he asks her for drinks. I was wondering why it didn't come to mind for her to ask him, but then I remembered that she is a disgusting sexist!
Greetings from Jolly Old England!
Hilary spills a drink on a British guy in the bar (because she's a clumsy loser) and he ends up chatting with her and asking her out. Hilary says I love you instead of I'd love to… I have no words for this girl.
During Mr. England's and Hilary's date, he gets the brilliant idea of hopping on a plane to Paris that same night… WHO THE FUCK THAT ON A FIRST DATE. At least she has enough sense to refuse him. 5 minutes after the date with England, Hilary goes on a date with Perky Butt. And she's underwhelmed. So, Hilary gets an idea that instead of writing about the business she will write about Mr.England and how you can find love when you least expect it yada yada yada. Obviously her editor doesn’t go for that vague ass boring as fuck idea. So, Hilary has to rush to the office to grab the note she left on her boss' desk saying that she is quitting her job… Also, Hilary's editor just told her to stop dating Mr. England and focus on businessmen instead. So she obviously decides to pretend that she's actually dating Perky Butt, but fill in the dirty details from the dates with Mr. England. Gee, I can't imagine why this would go wrong?
More Office Shit
Her boss just discovered that she was lying on her resume about the languages she knows, how many words she can type etc. She gets lucky (again) because the boss gives her another chance. But obviously, instead of realizing her absolute uselessness, she blames her incompetence on the job on Mr. England, since he's so wonderful she can only ever think about him… (I'm gonna take a break from watching and go to the bathroom to vomit).
In a different scene, Hilary buys her boss a Chicken Wrap for lunch and she says that she had the people put extra neurotransmitters in the food… I am pretty sure neurotransmitters are not edible or found in food. I'm no scientist, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the writers are full of shit!
And then there's a dramatic moment in the movie where the Boss finds Hilary's article and feels betrayed! But everything is fine later, because Hilary helps him with a presentation, so it's just a minor setback.
But the absolute fucking best moment is during the boss' actual presentation
HILARY WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU INTERRUPT YOUR BOSS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT MEETING TO DECLARE YOUR LOVE FOR HIM! YOU REALLY CAN'T WAIT UNTIL ITS OVER! UUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you haven't seen this movie, what happened here was that Hilary realized she was in love with her boss, even though he didn’t fulfill any of the aforementioned checklist items, and she just couldn’t fucking wait to tell him. And as to Mr. England, it turned that he was lying to her!
Instead of being a fancy music producer, he was actually a waiter! And when Hilary found out, she lost her shit and spilled water on him in the middle of his shift.
The End. (Thank God)
If you couldn't tell already, I would not recommend this movie.
~Olga
Instead of being a fancy music producer, he was actually a waiter! And when Hilary found out, she lost her shit and spilled water on him in the middle of his shift.
The End. (Thank God)
If you couldn't tell already, I would not recommend this movie.
~Olga
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