Fifty Shades of Fucked Up

Fifty Shades of Grey: Joint Review 

"I'm fifty shades of fucked up!"- Yeah and so are we!

Our genuine reaction to the film. 

You're on a Tinder date. The situation already felt sketchy from the beginning. You walked into that café, and the guy was there on his phone ignoring you. He looks worse than in pictures, you feel no butterflies. Despite the bleak outlook, you walk up to Mr. Boring and sit down. He says Hi and stares at you. You feel awkward. You ask him what he does for a living and he gives a creepy non-committal response along the lines of, "I don't know what do I do for a living?". Awkward silence ensues. You sit there with Mr. Creepy-and-Boring for another 30 minutes and leave feeling total and complete existential dread and a feeling of epic awkwardness that you cannot shake off and you can't put yourself together.

This is basically how we felt after watching this movie. But worse. We felt 50 Shades of Fucked up.

Let's set the scene for you: it’s New Year’s Eve 2018. We’re flipping through Netflix after watching a wonderful episode of “Black Mirror”, downing some beers and eating some delicious flaming-hot Cheetos. We’re happy. We’re laughing. Six hours ‘till midnight. We decide it’s time to do this thing. We find a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie (mind you, none of us have read the books in total, so we’re going off the movie’s accuracy), and we start playing.

Despite the blog’s title, we do not enjoy receiving this type of utter pain.
  

Honestly our first thoughts were that we didn’t need this: literally, everyone knows this story so much so that it’s become legendary. We consider it a Twilight ripoff in every sense of the word…oh and poorly done sexy times too. 

Alas, we digress. 

The Story

So, the story, put lightly— college senior (it’s unclear whether she’s undergrad or graduate) Anastasia Steele has to go in her roommate’s place to interview the wildly successful and mysterious Christian Grey. Grey, finds himself oddly drawn to her, finding ways to meet up with her every way he can—from running into her place of work (trust me, more on that later), to save her from a night-gone-wrong at a bar, among other creepy and incredibly stalker-ey things. Slowly and surely, Anastasia is also drawn to him, and his dark world of pain and pleasure, that she seeks to unravel—entering into an affair with Grey, turning her world upside down.

Yet, we continue. It’s also where we get the phrase “I’m fifty shades of fucked up!” 

In short, that’s a bare-bones summary of the film. So if you’ve come here to write a paper on this movie (God knows why, but hey, maybe this film is really enjoyable for some people—not us though) go do more thorough research. 

Actually, pick another topic. Your professor will be disappointed. 

Go do it on Rocky Horror, much better movie. 

Our Thoughts

(Meghan): I remember when this movie came out, there was such a popularity surrounding it. Even before that, were the books. It was the first really popular erotica/sexy smutfest book that people either found really good, and engaging to talk about in social circles, or, it was a taboo. The kind of “hide this book under your bed” novel. Which, in terms of social phenomena, is actually really interesting. I remember in its early stages my sister commenting it might spark the next baby-boom. Regardless of negative or positive feedback—of which there is abundantly both, the novel is widely popular, and likely will continue to be. 

Now, as for the movie, I also remember this. At least, in my area, like with the novel, people were either super impressed or super, unimpressed with the movie. Once again, it was a topic of conversation: the book has tons of sex, graphically speaking, so how do you put that down to a rating? Did it get everything accurately? How do you put a novel of this proportion down to the silver screen? These are all good questions, but for the most part, the people I spoke to found it disappointing in that regard. It was either too little or didn’t get something right. I saw the movie in my first year of University with a friend— and to be honest, I remember very little, but I remember laughing a lot. So, yes, I wasn’t keen on the movie, but I’m one to give everything a second chance, and since I hadn’t remembered much about it, this seemed like the perfect opportunity. 

So, what do I think? 

I still think it’s funny, horribly inaccurate and poorly told, but now I think I have better reasons to prove why it’s that way. 

From a film standpoint, the beginning, or rather the first five minutes was where we were scribbling down notes like crazy, and we think our theory has proved true throughout the entirety, but a lot of it can be seen in the first few minutes. We understand that Grey as a character is supposed to be this tortured soul. The reason why he does the things he does are that of his past, and it’s supposed to come across to the reader that literally everything in his life is shaped by this traumatic past that Anastasia will eventually fix. But like, the movie itself attempts to come across as this angsty, smart, indie-film that will awe audiences with its cleverness and subtle art. 

It doesn’t. The first thing that really is an example of this is the colour scheme. Throughout the film, there is rarely a “bright” moment—by this meaning, the scenes are always dark, always, in some cases, monochrome. There is always a greyscale effect, especially in the beginning. Almost always when Grey is in the scene, and we get that this may mean to insinuate the largely “greyscale” effect of his past on his life. Also, that of chrome, shine, and spacious, implying organized, clean, and meticulous qualities, which Grey also inhibits. Ana’s colours as well, are toned, but slightly brighter, muted to blues, browns, and whites (with the exception of the Florida scenes, comparably brighter and more relaxed). There’s a lot of shot-reverse-shot in these early scenes, also, perhaps to engage that more “angsty” quality that encapsulates the psyches of the characters. But it becomes apparent the more times they do it in a single scene, which we found oddly distracting. 

(Olga):  The first 5 seconds, and there's already 35624 shots of grey things. We have read the title! We get it, people, this movie is already setting itself up to be bleak and grey. I'm not sure if they weren't creative enough to do anything else, or if the source material is just so plain and uninteresting that nothing could have been done. I used to like the colour grey! Now, it has been tainted by Christian... and perhaps his STDs. Which Ana should have inquired about. 

Knowing we rant on this, this was a beautiful scene.

On this note, there is one scene where Ana notes she’s an English Lit major…

Major Rant: (Meghan) Seriously? Why are all these romance characters English Lit Majors? None of us act like this! We don’t even like to come out of our houses! Source: I am one. I have not once been asked out by a rich millionaire, and if I had, I’d be on a private island in Fiji right now. Not, freezing my ass off in the good ol' country of maple leaves. 

However, in the scene, she’s chewing on a pencil with the GREY logo on it. All I could think was “phallic pencil, phallic, phallic”. LOOK AT THIS IT'S A SYMBOL. That’s how I felt, and fair, I could be reading too much into that, but the way it was focused, I couldn’t help but think even that tiny detail was meant to portray some erotic hint. On that note, I also noticed another point. 

Christian asks her if she’s a romantic, and Ana goes “I’m an English Lit major so I have to be”. No. No, you do not. Honestly, if that was true, then I’d be fawning all over how much money my guy friends would be making in a year. I do not equate romanticism with literary studies. You shouldn’t either. I realize I’m out of order, but in the long run, this leads to another big trend in the film. 

Olga: Meghan, this might because you're in Rhetoric lol

(Meghan scoffs at this, just so you know. Rhetoric students are just the same :P)

Meghan: Immediately, when Ana goes to the “Grey House”, (Christian Grey’s office) we see all these things. Now, to add, there’s a lot of clichés, that of which we're blaming on the novel, the movie’s source material, but it becomes a lot more apparent in scenes such as this. Ana goes to sit, she interviews him, and he asks her “what about you”, and Ana replies with, “there’s not much to know about me”. 

Ugh. Cliché. The “I’m nobody special” girl. Such plain. The "Nobody would take an interest" in me one. Both of us are aware of the reasoning of it—so that any reader or audience member might imagine themselves in place of Anastasia, and, we won’t be hypocrites and say that it hasn’t worked on us before (a lot of otome games utilize this for their MCs). In truth, if it’s subtle enough, the cliché might not be noticeable, but here, it is incredibly noticeable. 

Don’t worry, it's not just Ana, it’s Christian too. He employs the angsty “I don’t have a heart” cliché, the “nobody can fix me, this is how it is”. 

Olga: Personally, I'm not bothered by these clichés. I wasn't expecting anything else or anything good going into this movie, so I didn't really notice. However, the awkwardness penetrated my soul and left me feeling like a naked person in a nightmare standing in front of their entire school. I could not handle Ana's awkward responses and Christian's creepy glare. 
And also, I don't understand why Ana read the "Are you gay?" out loud. Like, wouldn't a normal person stop themselves before such an embarrassment?

With these attitudes, the dialogue almost becomes robotic in a sense. These actors do their very best to inhibit the characters, but it’s the dialogue that shows the most. The dialogue is robotic and cliché. Sandpaper has more expression. 

That, and the fact that the guy will buy Ana all these things, take her to coffee, helicopter rides, a new MacBook! Hell, take a hint, Ana! Extravagant gift-giving is one thing, but to think because of it that he might not like you…do you know how much a new MacBook Air goes for? In this economy? I’ll tell you, it ain’t cheap.

Olga: Dude when he gave her the Macbook, I realize that I've been underestimating him completely. I thought he would at least wait a day to deliver it, but she barely managed to tell him Goodnight and walk into her flat, and BAM new Macbook! One would think these things simply fall from the sky!

Olga, don't you know? That's how all MacBooks arrive!

So to conclude this long rant—it is not edgy or clever, the film wears it’s heart on a sleeve and conceals its tricks in the wide open.

Thus, leading us to a scene of interest: 

Scene of Interest: The Bar/Hotel Scene (Meghan)

First, let me say, kudos Ana, for pre-gaming. That shows us you’re not a complete blank-slate character.  

Next, José is an asshole. No means no, dude.

Lastly, the drunk puke is so fake…I know from personal experience. The colour shows she ate nothing, which is neither smart, if she did that (C’mon, even us undergrads know the importance of eating while drinking), or you get the urge to eat like crazy when you drink. Another fun fact: I once ate a whole cheese pizza when I was drunk, didn’t remember it, and then asked where the cheese pizza was. Olga told me I ate it all…we were supposed to share! Sorry! (Olga: I guess I owe it to you, because of the drunk puke experience ;-) )

Next, well, Ana calls Christian Grey—drunk-dialing, and he demands to know where she is. I don’t believe she tells him exactly, but he still manages to find her. I have a major problem with this scene because the first time she calls, he’s like “tell me where you are now”, and I don’t care who’s asking. If you don't know said person well, don't say a word. It’s like online dating. You don’t tell the random guy you’re messaging where you are, just in case he might be a murderer. The same rule applies here. Hold out for more info. 

Luckily, he is not. Otherwise, this would be a horror movie. 

Ana wakes up in this luxurious hotel, where shirtless Christian Grey happens.

Well, this isn't so bad. 

Now, I remember him telling her “My tastes are singular, you wouldn’t understand”—again, I direct you back to the “cliché list” I’m working on. Firstly, dude, “my tastes are singular?” No, they really aren’t. BDSM (if what he does can even be called that, because it’s really, not if someone took the time to actually research it better) is a community, it’s not something that pertains to one man, and it’s really not this dangerous horrifying thing either. Anyway, even if he felt as if she might judge him for it, then perhaps actually have the in-depth conversation with her, so that she might be educated (instead of telling her to go “google it”). Not that Googling it isn’t a good idea, I just well…she looks up literally one stock photo of something related to it and is like...

Besides, I think that reaction might be the slightest bit overreacted. Even for a pure girl like Ana. I mean yes, it might be shocking to come to the realization that it exists, but certainly not the horrifying slap! of the laptop. 

Please tell me that we're a little more mature than that. It's already encouraging a stigma that really isn't true. But, I will say although I am not truly versed in the complete nuances of the BDSM community, I can say with some certainty that what Grey does isn't accurate to it. What he does, personality-wise is a little more than toxic. 

By that, I mean that throughout this it is always Grey taking what he wants. He's the one going "oh fuck it" when he wants to have Ana. He's the one who buys her the car, the laptop, and takes her on these expensive helicopter rides. He's the one who pretty much stalks her to Florida, despite the fact that Ana voiced she would like to go alone, and that the gifts she gets are too much. There is "caring about someone", and then there's not respecting boundaries.

Scene of Interest: The First Sex Scene/Playroom (Meghan)

I would like to start out by saying that the entire time I was watching this all I could think of was Ziedler from Moulin Rouge singing “Like a Virgin”. 

I would like to second this thought with saying that after this scene was done and Kate looks at Ana oddly saying “there’s something different about you”, and Ana replying with “I feel different”. 

Yes dear. That’s called pregnancy. 

All joking aside, I was fascinated with the amount of organization Christian has in the playroom. Seriously, where do you get those whip holders? (my room is a mess, I NEED that level of organization) The first scene itself was, to put bluntly, an anticipation of the highest kind. You know it’s going to happen, and for the most part, Grey does everything he can to make it memorable for her. 

Which, you know. I liked that. Helicopter rides, nice little talks before. 

(Olga): That's right Meghan, your "toys" are all over the place :-p. Always makes me wonder what sort of natural disasters went down in your room during the night. 

(Meghan): I'm an absent-minded intellectual, you can't judge me!

Once again, as mentioned with the colour scheme, this scene was very hard to see, I found it a little too dark, some illumination would’ve helped. As mentioned before, this was a problem throughout the film. 

As to what was mentioned earlier, questioning how best to present very explicit material to the silver screen, I’d say they did okay. I can see why some people (given the source material’s focus) would be expecting a little more than what was delivered, but for what it was worth, the hype surrounding it kinda had that die out. 

And don’t worry, it’s the first of many sex scenes in the movie. I don’t think there’s a shortage of them, and ratings do restrict them to some degree. 

I know we haven't read the books. But we did read some parts. By some, I mean the smutty bits and I remember these parts being much grittier in terms of explicitness. I did not think there was too little in the movie though. Otherwise, it would become an erotic movie, and the film already straddles that line (haha “straddle”).  

On that note, I do think the enjoyment on Ana’s part was a bit over-exaggerated. Guy hasn’t done much and she’s already moaning like a porn-star. Or maybe he’s just that good, but I am forever a pessimist. 

(Olga): If I had to listen to Christian play with his toys on me, I too would try to drown out the sound.
(Meghan): If Christian had to use his toys on me, I'd request someone put on Def Leppard. And get someone else to be the dom. Seriously. Like Elliott!  
(Olga): OMG, Elliott from Hush Hush???

Scene of Interest: The Representation of the Business World (Olga)

Speaking from a corporate background, it is clear that neither the author nor the filmmakers have ever walked even close to any major financial districts. Let me comment on some of the aspects of the business world that were horribly executed here.


Although, this movie has succeeded in one thing = making a corporate boardroom look like a brothel. Cause every office definitely has red lights (although to be honest Christian could have commissioned that). This would never happen in a real company. By the way, what does this company even do? Manufacture grey paint? Sell red lights? Did nobody think this would be important for a viewer to know?

(Meghan: I think they just want you to know he's a) rich, and b) young. I.e. Every girl's fantasy. Or is that my biased single status talking?)

And also, during that whole contract signing scene fiasco,  Christian says "With all due respect Ana, I'm gonna fuck you into next Wednesday". Him saying it with a straight face is the best acting of the entire movie. I could not repeat it without bursting out laughing. Not that my acting should be held as any sort of standard for actual actors. Cause my acting is not acting but saying words like a spaz with flailing limbs. And we tried that. All night.

And lastly, does anybody else think that the secretaries at Grey HQ look like Robot/Russian Mail Order Bride hybrids? This is an over cliche and stereotypical way of how secretaries are portrayed. They do not look like ever, and I've worked in a bunch of different offices already. 

I. Am. A. Robot. I. Never. Malfunction.

Anyway, let’s conclude this thing. 

 Meghan’s rating: 2 Stars. It’s probably because the novel and movie never really appealed to me in the first place, and I didn’t think the novel was that great to begin with, so translating it into a movie, shows. I had more fun laughing at it than I did trying to watch it with a serious intent. Despite it’s apparent “trying to be serious” manner, there are much better movies, at least I think this, that do better justice than this, books too.

Olga's Rating: 1 Star. I honestly feel generous even giving this much. This movie is boring and melodramatic at its best and sexist and demeaning at its worst.

Random Bonus Thoughts! Our Favourite Lines 

      

      "Let's get you clean" = weird and emotionless don't even begin to describe how stupid this line was. That whole scene just looked like they were in a birthing class. I was waiting for breathing exercises.

      Ana's fashion sense is an interesting thing. It reminds me of something an old librarian would have worn in the 90's. Makes sense why she needs to brag about her 4.0. Cause she does not have fashion sense going for her. Thank God that Christian's butler got her some nice stuff. #ButlerForProjectRunway2K18 #TaylorforProjectRunway

"With all due respect, Ms. Steele, I would like to fuck you into next Wednesday."- Oh dear, we tried to say that one with a straight face all night. Couldn't do it. It's too ridiculous. 

"Laters, baby"- (Meghan)- I've been saying that to random strangers lately. They've given me the same response I had when I heard it. 

And Finally...

We're both so excited for the coming projects for this blog in the New Year! Tune in next month for our February (the month of looooveeeee) reviews! We'll have an announcement post letting you know what our next reviews will be :D

Until then...

~Olga and Meghan