We React to Fifty Shades Shittier (The Last One) (Movie)

Yes, we saw it. 

We have a couple notes...

First though, play this song while you read our review. It makes the whole experience better because Meghan was thinking this song throughout watching the whole movie. 

Picture this: Packed theatre. At the dramatic bits, people were laughing. At the halfway point we watched as four people walked out, also laughing. 

It's pretty bad when the previews are more enjoyable than the damn movie you paid to see. 

Our Review Theme Song

Meghan: IT WAS SOOOO BAD OH MY GOD

THE STORY

Leaving behind their ghosts of the past, Ana and Christian embark on their new lives together, as a married couple, living the life of luxury. But just as the two begin to step into their new lives, Ana as the new fiction editor, and wife, and Grey, as a married man, shadowy events are brought to light, ones that possibly could jeopardize their lives and marriage. 

OUR THOUGHTS

We took bets on when the first sex scene would start. Not disappointed (and Meghan won), between like six-seven minutes in. 

Olga: What surprised me was that her wedding dress wasn't grey. I would think Christian would wanna brand her as his, but whatever.

Meghan: Oh, he did. That's the biggest problem in this fucking piece of shit. 

Olga: Goddammit he's such a fucking piece of shit. On the beach during their honeymoon especially. Let the woman show her boobs if she wants to!

Meghan: I mean, it was a Monte Carlo boob beach. As it's put in the movie "it's boobs in boobland."

THE WHOLE MOVIE IS BOOBS DUDE. GET OVER IT.

MOST OF THE TIME COMPLETELY UNNECESSARILY!!!

FIRST COMPLAINT 

Meghan: Ana is a piece of shit, and you can tell me all you like Olga, about how you hate MC's from otome games, but I can guarantee you with absolute certainty that ANA IS WORSE. 

Olga: Well yes, Ana sucks, but my hate on otome girls will always and forever be the greatest (perhaps only the hate I have for certain politicians is greater, but that's a discussion for another time and place)

Meghan: Well, then let's start off with the story of the movie, if we can call it that? Christian and Ana got married and honeymooned in Paris. Ugh. Can you be any more extra? Jack Hyde tries to pull some Mission Impossible shit on Grey's building, prompting them to return home. 

Really, this is the only bodyguard they should have. 

Watch this movie instead. This is also the trauma we had to undergo during this monstrosity. 

Oh. That's what I remember being pissed off at. ANA DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW DANGEROUS HER SITUATION IS! 

Seriously. She's actually mad that she's got a bodyguard protecting her from a homicidal maniac and the best thing she can say is "He'll be in the way". 

Or the fact that she's supposed to remain with her bodyguards and adhere to a strict schedule to make sure she IS safe, and what does she do? 

Get martinis with Kate, literally, the first day Grey leaves her alone. 

This is not what you do when a psychopath is coming to slit your throat. 

And this isn't the first time she does either. Ohhhhh no, I had to endure a bunch of times where I was looking at her like, "girl, you are going to die because of your sheer stupidity."

Also, Grey, maybe if you're that concerned, instead of asking Ana to forgo her job, maybe you should clear your schedule. You own a multimillion-dollar business, Ana doesn't.

Olga: Not only is Ana an ungrateful bitch, she is a fucking idiot. When your sister-in-law gets kidnapped shouldn't the first thing you do be conspicuously inform the expensive security team your husband hired for you about it??? Why would you deal with it on your own? She has no combat skills!!!

Meghan: We're jumping all over the place, but that's because that's what this stupid film did. One minute one plot-thread was happening, the next, another thing. 

SECOND COMPLAINT

Olga: The author of the original books, and the screenwriters, have probably never stepped into a regular mundane workplace, because they clearly have no idea how things work. The Human Resources nerd in me must rant about all those things. 

An employee would never be the last one to know about a promotion that they're getting! It is fucking impossible that Ana would walk into her office suddenly surprised that she's an editor! And everyone else knows! and they reorganize her office!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

That company also has a problem with background checks! That fucking Hyde guy is a psychopath, that redhead was helping him, like is anyone there normal for fuck's sake. 

Meghan: You...you don't actually have a doll like that do you Olga? Like at your work? 

Olga: Well I don't. But who knows what my coworkers could be hiding :-p

THIRD POINT

Meghan: Last time I checked, it was not the 1800s. 

Right? 

Great. So...

WHY

THE 

HELL

DOES 

ANA 

GET ASKED

...Mrs. Grey, how would you like to run the household? 

What do you mean by household? 

Oh, the decor, the napkins, the curtains. Typical woman stuff because someone assumed that we were back in 1875, and Mr. Rochester's wife Lady Jane has to figure out how to run the servants and the staff while remaining barefoot and pregnant. 

Mr. Darcy won't have none yo' shit. 

Actually no. Jane Eyre is a story about a strong woman overcoming her own obstacles. And Ana literally does none of that. 

Olga: I wonder if Christian ever imprisoned misbehaving exes in his dungeon and if they ever tried to set fire to his flat... #curiousolga

Meghan: Reason to watch Fifty Shades Darker perhaps? 

No, but that did bother me. Since when is running a household still a thing? And it's not a house, it's an apartment, so. 

It's almost like Christian WANTS Ana to literally go mad picking out fabric patterns. This is the 21st Century. If she wants to do that, fine. But she clearly didn't. She wants to work. 

Let her. 

FOURTH COMPLAINT

Olga: The next thing that we were both bothered with was all the baby stuff. 

I don't even know where to begin with this, there's so fucking much I am more overwhelmed that first time parents after many sleepless nights with a vomiting baby.

Let's start with the part where Ana gets pregnant and tells Christian about it. HE FUCKING WALKS AWAY AND GOES GET DRUNK WITH HIS EX-DOMINATRIX AND STUMBLES BACK HOME TALKING TO ANA ABOUT HE'S A SELFISH BASTARD WHO DOESNT WANT ANA TO CHOOSE THE BABY OVER HIM BLAH BLAH BLAH AND THEN PASSES OUT!

He should not have the right to be a parent ever. No sense of responsibility at all! That's the one part I felt bad for Ana that she has to deal with this bastard. But then she chose to marry him, so whatever. She made her bed now she sleeps in it. Or rather gets fucked in it. 

And then she's pregnant and wears fucking corsets! Who does that! Will that not squeeze the baby? Why did the costume people even make that choice???

I feel bad for the baby. Seriously. Imagine the child walking in on them doing it. It will be scarred for life and have the greatest psychological issues ever. No therapist will be able to fix them. #prayforgreyoffspring

Meghan: His first birthday gift will be that of handcuffs. 

My complaints lie with all of this and more. The fact that when this happens, he throws a fit so big and then blames it on Ana, like, "You missed your shot? Goddammit, Ana." *Throws a napkin down*. 

It's not her fault she got pregnant, you piece of shit. In fact, you rubbed salt in that already festering wound when you freaked out as you did. 

And no, I don't care that later you sum it all up to "Oh I was just scared". 

No. That's not a valid excuse you piece of goddamn shit. It's not a good excuse at all, and you have more than a lot of apologizing to do for this. 

You really think Ana planned for this to happen? Of course, she didn't. You aren't helping. One other scene that happens before this (which I neglected to mention, but while we're on the topic of freakouts) is after Ana went to that bar with Kate, Grey takes her to the Red Room and literally teases the shit out of her, as payback to make her feel how he feels when she "disobeys" him. 

Do you know how manipulative, horrible, and painful that is to Ana? 

That was the scene where it was reaffirmed to me how much of a dick Grey is. 

Literally, from the first to the last moment of this film, nobody has changed, developed, or become a better person. 

Why did I watch this? 

OUR FINAL RATING 

Olga: These Polish movie reviewers I watch sometimes rate Fifty Shades in terms of IKEA furniture (as they find the furniture the only redeeming thing about this franchise). So, out of five proper IKEA chairs, I would give this film one broken chair leg. 

Meghan: I will rate this film in terms of emojis. Stars are good, pieces of shit are bad. I rate this movie: 💩💩💩 and 1 💤 Do with this what you will. I didn't like it.